I’ve been thinking a lot about rejection lately. And, for once, it has nothing to do with agent or editor rejection letters. No, this one’s personal. It’s about dating.
Here’s the short version:
So, I recently met this guy that I really liked. And he was doing all the right things – which made me suspicious. Which, then made me guarded and finally culminated in a black moment worthy of my current work-in-progress, aptly titled RUNNING AWAY.
Now, since I write romance, you’re probably thinking that, like Sharice in SIN CLUB, I realized the error of my ways and did exactly the right thing, which lead to a happily-ever-after, right?
Uh … Um …
Well, I did realize the error of my ways, but … perhaps the text message, followed by the email message, both of which sounded more like Dear John memos than the sorry-and-hey-I-really-like-you notes they were meant to be … well, perhaps, that was not the right thing to say or do. Or, perhaps he didn’t care and was a guy straight out of Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo’s, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
But, regardless, this does have a happily-ever-after-ending. Because I realized that I need to work on this fear of rejection thing. I mean, I’ve got it down in my business and writing life, but not in my personal life.
So, in 2009, that’s going to be one of my New Year’s Resolutions. And, I came up with one way to work on this. It’s featured in Bonnie Albo’s article, Top New Year’s Resolutions for Singles at About.com. I hope you’ll check it out.
So, tell me … do you have any rejection issues, personal or business? Or, perhaps you’d just like to share one of your resolutions? I’d love to know.
Happy New Year!
January 1st, 2009 at 2:09 pm
[...] in a black moment worthy of my current work-in-progress, aptly titled RUNNING AWAY … (more) [...]
January 2nd, 2009 at 9:48 am
oh BOY do I have rejection issues in my personal life! It’s probably a huge part of why I haven’t dated in like 8 years. I’m talking…get asked and just be paralyzed with fear! It’s insane.
Though I finally DID break down and meet a guy for coffee yesterday–what a way to start the New year. I’ll keep you posted, but just know you’re not alone!
January 2nd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Rejection sucks, no doubt about it, but there’s usually something be gained by it. I think you met this one head-on, Rachelle, and took a very reasonable approach to seeing it as a “lessons learned” kind of thing. Every experience, even rejection, has a purpose. If the outcome of a situation isn’t what you anticipated or wanted, then evaluating possible reasons why it turned out the way it did and then learning from that experience means you’re moving that much closer to what you REALLY want for the long haul, not just what seems right in the “here and now.” I think that applies to guys as much as it does publishing! Hang in there, my friend. There are many lessons for all of us to learn!
And Amie… congrats on the coffee date! Sounds like a big step for you and kudos to you for taking the leap of faith!
January 3rd, 2009 at 10:55 am
Amie, that’s AWESOME news! Yes, that is truly a wonderful way to start the New Year. Here’s hoping that Mr. Coffee Date is a keeper — and that you push fear aside!
Calista, yes, I totally agree that there are lots of lessons to be learned from experiences. I try my hardest to learn from each one, in hopes that, well, while, I will continue to make mistakes, hopefully, I won’t continue to make the same ones.
As Amie mentioned, fear can be paralyzing. When I look at all the professional risks I’ve taken — if I’d given into fear and not taken them, I would’ve missed out on so much. Well, I don’t want to look back on emotional risks I refused to take due to the fear of rejection and feel that I might’ve missed out on something. So, here’s to embracing rejection.
January 3rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Rachelle, I just got the newsletter and clicked the link for Sin Club to enter. Dealing with rejection is never easy, but I think it’s a necessary part of life. Learning to deal with it helps us grow as writers and individuals, and when success finally comes along, I think we can appreciate it that much more.
By the way: I can’t WAIT to see that movie HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. The trailer looked hilarious — and so true for real life.
January 3rd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Hi Rachelle,
Happy New Year! I also just received your newsletter and am looking forward to the Chase the Dream contest.
Rejection is so hard. I think that’s what makes me hesitate on the send button, when submitting. Of course, I also always wonder if I got all the information exactly right and worry if I hit send that’s the moment I’ll find out I forgot something! LOL
January 3rd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
PS: I realise you were talking about personal rejection, but you really don’t need me to go into my stories on that!
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Rachel in your situation I would probably have been the same way, however, being married 28 years I have no idea what I would really do. I do not even know if I would know what to do if a guy talked to me other than about the weather. Rejection is difficult in any area of life. I am still working on the writing rejections. LOL
Happy New Year and best wishes for a prosperous year ahead.
Franny
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I hate rejection. But as the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. Hmm, if that’s the case, I should be Superwoman by now!
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Michelle L, I agree with you regarding rejection. And thanks for the reminder regarding the trailer, as I’d meant to check it out, then forgot. I’m definitely going to go see that movie.
MG, Your rejection comment didn’t have to be about personal rejection, so thanks for sharing your writing-related one. I think everyone experiences — or, has experienced — the fear of rejection when it comes to hitting SEND or mailing that manuscript. But, the more you do it and the more rejections you get, they don’t bother you AS MUCH. Because, as Michelle said, they become just another part of life. And, I think applies to dating-focused rejection as well.
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Yeah, rejection sucks. That’s why we go into a protective mode and do the rejecting first. Saves us, doesn’t it? Reminds me of what someone once said about regretting the things they hadn’t done instead of the things they had. Makes me wish I had been braver. A lot to gain and acutally very little to lose. Embracing rejection-I like that. Means we at least tried.
January 3rd, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Franny, I think we’re even, as you have experiences from being married for 28 years that I would have no idea how to handle. Congratulations! Happy New Year to you, too. And don’t fret about those writing rejections — just keep writing, improving, and getting your work out there.
Patti: Well, at least I’ll know you when I see you at a conference. You’ll be the one with the big “S” on your chest.
On a serious note, that expression is true. And I can always see the good that comes out of those difficult times — in hindsight!
Carolyn, you nailed it. Doing the rejecting first is definitely a defensive/protective action against the pain of rejection. But I don’t want to let fear of any kind affect me like that. It’s never too late to be braver, right? While we can’t change the past, we can change how we react in the future.
January 4th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Hi Rachelle. Just read your newsletter and thought I would comment. I know about personal rejection. I was single for a long time and experienced rejection often. It makes us leary of getting hurt and wanting to protect ourselves.
January 4th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
that what i hate about anything is the rejection
i cant handle rejection from ANYone
friends, boyfriends, teachers back in school, i always hated feeling i let some1 down. and not worthy enough for some1
and i pick the worse boyfriends ever, and stilll got 1 of the bad ones LOL
and Get a FREE Copy of SIN CLUB! ,i hope im 1 of the thje newsletter winners
January 5th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Hi, Rachelle,
A worthy topic, rejection, both on the personal and writing levels! I’m like Franny, having been married for almost 24 years. However, I’m older than I look (at least that’s what they tell me) and I was single for quite a long time before I eventually married. I’m trying to remember back when I was single and it isn’t that hard–rejection by a guy was TERRIBLE. How could I ever forget that yucky feeling?
Lately, I’ve been submitting my writing a bit more, mainly to hand-picked agents. No luck yet, only rejections (but I have at least signed a contract for a short story–no rejection on that one!) As I think about the thick skin I’ve developed regarding my writing rejections, and as I realize those rejections and their concomitant feedback have helped me learn, I’m wondering if that thick skin might be applied to personal rejections by guys, too?
I’m thinking this might be possible, but since I’m married and intend to stay with my DH, I no longer have a labratory to test this hypothesis. But I do feel that since my writing rejections have become less stinging recently, I wonder if I might not feel as stung when a guy just isn’t that into me, either.
I’m wondering what other writers think about the role rejection of their writing might play in helping them handle rejection by men.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Echoing a couple others, I have been successfully married for for many years now. I say “succcessfully” because it can be alot of work at times, but the pay off is SO worth it! However, that doesn’t mean I didn’t kiss a whole lot of frogs to end up here,and I do vividly remember the sting of rejection. Although I certainly wouldn’t recommend it, I met my prince after imbibing a few, which definitely loosened my inhibitions. I frequently joke that my dh is a 19 year one night stand!
All I can say is stick with it,and go with your gut instinct. Do not “setle”. Each one of us deserves to be cherished for everyhting we are,and may be. You never know what curve balls life may throw at you,and your love and commitment has to be strong enough to withstand the challenges. You can’t count on soemone you “settled” for to be able to do that. So stand tough,and realize that those who reject you (or your work!) aren’t worth your time and energy.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I see some new comments have come in. Very thoughtful, indeed! Gotta head off for the day job but I’ll be back later tonight to reply. Have a good one!
January 7th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Crystal, so true. But, it’s interesting that we go through such effort to protect ourselves. Objectively speaking, what’s the big deal? I mean, you take a risk, you have a great time or a bad time, you learn from it, and you move on. It doesn’t kill us — and yet, we avoid it like we think it will. Well, wish I could be that objective in practice.
Gypsy, you mention an interesting point about rejection being hard because you let someone down . On a personal level, I find that rejection easier to swallow. Yes, I feel bad and beat myself repeatedly for being such a ‘bad’ person, but I can put myself in their shoes and understand the rejection. Sorry to hear you got a ‘bad one.’
January 7th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Rita, first off, I’m excited to hear that you’re getting your work out there. And CONGRATULATIONS on your sale!! You rock!
For some reason, my ability to accept rejection in writing and other professional areas does not transfer equally to men. Perhaps because I see the writing/professional rejection as business. They’re rejecting some aspect of my work while a guy is rejecting me, which is much more personal.
Where they do overlap for me is that the frequency of being rejected does make me able to handle more rejection and take more risks. Because, the more they happen, the less they sting — just like you said.
And, I think they sting less because there’s usually some good (like, a contract!) mixed in with the rejection, which makes it worth it.
Lynn, yours is a wonderful story! And your comments are inspirational to all! And I love the way you met your prince — I think that’d make a great opening in a romance novel.
Your points on settling are so true. I think too many people settle in life — a job they hate, a relationship they shouldn’t be in, an unhealthy attitude, etc. Life is truly too short to settle in any area.
Thanks, everyone for the thought-provoking comments. I’ve loved this discussion! And, for those of you who responded to the newsletter contest (hint, hint to those of you who have not yet subscribed!), I’ll notify you of your ‘winning’ status by Friday.
January 17th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
waaaaaaaaaaaa its sat . no email
January 21st, 2009 at 9:38 am
Sorry, Gypsy. Don’t take it as bad news – it just means I’m waaaay behind. I will get to you this week – promise.
January 27th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Okay, I just emailed all of you who left a comment in response to my newsletter offer. If you did not get an email from me, but think you should have, please let me know! So sorry for the delay.